JOKES

Well you will get the best jokes here. And they are sure to tickle your ribs.

 Author: Unknown
Submitted by :-ALAMDEEP SINGH on 8.6.2k1
1.  DAMN  CANADIANS

Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio
conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of
Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.

US Ship:  Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south
          to avoid a collision.

CND reply:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to
            the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship:  This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say
          again, divert your course.

CND reply:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE
          ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY.  DIVERT
          YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply:  This is a lighthouse. Your call.

2. REAL MEDICAL QUOTES

The following quotes, reprinted courtesy PICOME-SO, were
lifted verbatim from the medical records of a general
hospital in a large metropolitan area:

"Patient has been married twice, but denies any other
serious illnesses."

"Patient experiences difficulty swallowing tires easily."

"History: Patient was shot in the head with .34 caliber
rifle. Chief Complaint, Headache."

"Patient was struck by an auto while she was walking across
the street at approximately 45 miles per hour."

"Skin somewhat pale but present."

"On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it had completely disappeared."

"Discharge status:  Alive but without permission."

3.The flower vendor was an old hand at unloading his
last few bunches. Appealing to a businessman on
his way home, the vendor said, "How about a nice
bunch of roses to surprise your wife?"

"Haven't got a wife," responded the businessman gruffly.

"Then how about some carnations for your girlfriend?"
proposed the vendor without missing a beat.

"Haven't got a girlfriend."

"You lucky guy!" The vendor broke into a big smile.
"Buy both bunches to celebrate!"

4.His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics
absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer.

She sat in front of the mirror for what had to be hours
applying the "miracle" products.  Finally, when she was
done, she turned to her husband and said, "Hon, honestly
now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said,
"Well, hon, judging from your skin, twenty.  Your hair,
mmmm, eighteen.  Your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet."

5. Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed
a sign saying: DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! - posted on the glass
door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on
the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?"

"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted that sign,
people kept tripping over him."

6. The train which was going peacefully on the rail tracks
suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields
nearby and then came back on the tracks.  The passengers
were horrified.
 
At the next railway station the driver was caught.
He was questioned.
 
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks
and he was not moving from there even after lots of
honks, etc...
 
The authorities questioned: "are you mad?!?  Just to save
the life of one person you put the lives of so many
passengers in danger!?! You should have run over that
person..."
 
He said, "Exactly! That is what I also decided, but this
idiot started running towards the field when the train
came very close, so I decided to ........."

7. There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly
beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters.  They decided to try
one last time for the son they always wanted.  After months
of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy.  The joyful
father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.  He took
one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has
ever seen.  He went to his wife and said that there was
no way that he could be the father of that child.  "Look
at the two beautiful daughters fathered."  Then he gave
her a stern look and asked,  "Have you been fooling around
on me?"  The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time."

8.The little sexy housewife was built so well the TV repairman
couldn't keep his eyes off of her. Every time she came in
the room, he'd near about jerk his neck right out of joint
looking at her.

When he'd finished she paid him and said, "I'm going to
make a... well... unusual request. But you have to first
promise me you'll keep it a secret."

The repairman quickly agreed and she went on. "Well, it's
kind of embarrassing to talk about, but while my husband
is a kind, decent man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical
weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a woman and
you're a man..."

The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes, yes!"

"And since I've been wanting to ever since you came
in the door...

"Yes, yes!"

"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"

9.A man is struck by a bus on a busy street. He is lying
near death on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators
gathers around. "A preacher. Somebody get me a preacher!"
the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd - "A PREACHER,
PLEASE!" the dying man says again.

Then out of the crowd steps a little old Jewish man of
at least eighty years of age. "Mr. Policeman," says the
man, "I'm not a preacher. I don't even really go to church.
But for fifty years now I'm living behind the church on
First Avenue, and every night I'm listening to the sermons.
Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."

The policeman agreed and brought the man over to where the
dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and
says in a solemn voice:
"B-4. I-19. N-38. G-54. O-72. . ."

10. I overheard a friend telling his pal, "I can't
break my wife of the habit of staying up until
5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", the pal asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

11. A true story from the Japanese Embassy in US: 
Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English 
 conversation training 
before he visits Washington and meets with 
 President Bill Clinton. 
 
The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you 
shake hand with 
President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. 
Then Mr. Clinton should say "I am fine, and you ?" 
Now you should say 'me too'. 
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work 
for you." 
 
It looks quite simple, but the truth is .... When 
Mori met Clinton, he 
mistakenly said "Who Are You ?". 
Mr. Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to 
react with humor : 
"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..." 
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.." 
Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting 
room.

12. 19 Things To Do In The Bathroom
 Author: Unknown
Submitted by :- ALAMDEEP SINGH on 8.6.2k1

1.  Stick your open palm under the stall and ask your neighbor,      "May I borrow a highlighter?" 2.  Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that".                          3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.      4.  Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before." 5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot!! My glass eye!!" 6. Say, "Darn, this water is cold." 7.  Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place. Sigh relaxingly. 8. Say, "Now how did that get there?" 9. Say, "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus." 10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew.  Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbor while yelling, "Whoa!  Easy Boy!!" 11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters." 12. Using a small squeeze tube spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.  Then say, "Could you kick that back over here, please. 13. Say, "C'mon, Mr. Happy!  Don't fall asleep on me!!" 14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot." 15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.  Now what am I gonna to do?" 16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks. 17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dresser Anonymous" newsletter on the  floor visible to the adjacent stall. 18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor an say, "Peek-a-boo!" 19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free." 12.GoodbyeDaddy Author: Unknown Submitted :- REET GREWAL ON 8.6.2k1 One night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation. Two weeks later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!                                                                            "13 Author: Unknown Submitted by :- SONIA ARORA on 8.6.2k1                  1.Son:Papa , I want to marry grand ma Father (Surprisingly):   No you can't ,because she is my mother.      Son : So what ! If you can marry my mother, why        can,t I marry yours?     2. Rahul : whenever I have to borrow money I try to get it   from pessimist.     Sahil : Why?       Rahul : Because a pessimist never expects to get it back.     3.Judge : Why did you try to put your hand in his pocket ?   Accused : Sir, I was feeling cold.    4. First Man : It is very difficult to give up the habbit of smoking.   Second Man : You're wrong , I have given it up at least 50 times.     5. Husband : Do you think I am a dog?    Wife    : No , but God's sake stop barking.     6. What is the difference between a Bachelor and a married man ?   A Bachelor has a button on his shirt and a married has no shirt.    7. What is your hobby?      Horse Riding.           When did you ride a horse last time. At the time of my Marriage.      8. Mother to son at Party :    This is your fifth serving of ice cream and cake. What will the others         think about you?        Son : Don't worry Mom , I am telling to them that it is for you.     9. A Lady : How many times in a day do you shave ?     Man    : Forty to Fifty times.          Lady    : What are you crazy ?           Man     : No , I am a Barber.       10. A lady goes to a market to buy Lipton tea and speaks to      the shopkeeper in Punjabi:"          Lipton di chaa haigi"?          Shopkeeper replied : "No , I don't have it ."          She goes to another : " Lipton di chaa haigi"?          He replied : " Na ji Sanu na hai ".          She goes to third : " Lipton di chaa hai"?          He replied : "Lipton di chaa kinoo nahin hai          Andar te aa jao".      11. When did the crippled beggar run faster than P.T.usha ?     When he heard that the bank where he           kept his savings had gone broke.      12. Two mentally retarded persons while talking to each other :     Titu : My father fell in a pond and came out after six monhs.          Nitu : My father lost his watch in a pond but found it after sis months.          Nitu : What was your father doing in the pond for six months.          Titu : He was finding your father's watch.      13. First : Have you seen any girl passing from here ?"     Second : " No sir, no girl passed from here, But a boy passed.He           had a long hairs and wearing black pant "             First : You look an inexperienced man. Now days girls of              high families weare such dresses. She was my daughter                Second : "Excuse me , are you her father".              First  : "No , I am her mother."       14. Mrs. Sharma : What a beautiful sari!     It must be very costly. Has your husband has your           husband been changing his job ?          Mrs. Malti  : Oh , no ! I have changed my husband.      15. Teacher : Where are the Himalayas?     Student : I don't Know.          Teacher : Stand up on your Bench.          Student : I can't see them from here also.      16. Once I met a man who told me that he was an M.A.     But it appeared as if he had hardly been to any school.          I said to him , " From which univercity you passed your M.A.?"          He said ," I was married in 1990 and I am a father          of a son , whose name is Arun.          Thus I became F.A. ( Father Of Arun ). After some days my wife          left for hevenly abode and I got the degree of B.A. ( Bechelor again )          and after and after a year I got another wife and became M.A.          (Married Again). Thus I am an M.A. You can also adoupt this method to           became M.A. This is the earlist and shortest way. MY Best Wishes             are with You."       17. Two deaf persons were coming from opposite sides.     First deaf to the second deaf : Are you coming from Gurdwara?          Secound deaf : No , I am coming from Gurdwara.          First deaf   : Oh , I thought you were coming from Gurdwara.      18. A widow had four childeren. He married a widow who had two childeren.     One day she came running to her husband : "Look your childeren and my           childeren are beating our childeren.      19. Patient : Sir, I drink six pegs a day and remail ill.     What should I do ?          Doctor : Just restrict yourself to three a day.          Next week the Patient again comes with the same problem.          Doctor : Restrict yourself to two a day.          Next week the patient again come.          Doctor : Now decrease it to one a day.          Patient slaps him and sdays, " You are very stupid.          How will I pour the whole bottle into one glass.      20. Santa Singh and Banta Singh were friends and they always     boasted of their parents.          Santa Singh : HAve you heard of Suez Canal ?          Banta Singh : Yes , I have.          Banta Singh : That's nothing.Have you heard of Dead Sea?          Santa Singh : Yes , I have.          Banta Singh : Well my father killed it.      21. Customer : Waiter , I ask for 'Asllo Ka Paratha', but I find no Aallo in it.          Waiter   : what's in a name, Sir . If you ask for Kashmiri Pulari                will you expect to find Kashmir in it ?                 22. Patient : I've lost my memory.     Doctor  : When did it happen ?          Patient : When did what happen?      23. A man returning from office showed his wife the Umbrella to      indicate that he has not lost it as usual.          Wife: But whose Umbrella is this ?Today you had not carried any with you.      24. Son : Mom, you said that giving your seat to an elderly person     while travelling in a bus was a good gesture.         Mom  : Yes , why do you ask ?        Son  : I got a slap for doing the same.        Mom  : Where were you sitting dear ?        Son  : Of Cource, in Dad's lap.     25. Define Husband ?   H - HUMILIATED      U - UNPAID      S - SERVANT      B - BEGGING      A - ALMS FOR      N - NEW TRALISING      D - DISAPPOINTMENTS      "13 Author: Unknown Submitted by :- ALAMDEEP SINGH on 8.6.2k1                     26.  3 men and what they threw away :3 men were sitting on a building,  they were ordered to throw something away. The 1st man threw his gold,  2nd: his wine, 3rd: a bomb. They were walking one day,  and the 1st person saw a girl crying, he asked why she    was crying, she said a piece of gold hit her. "sorry that  was me", he said. Same thing with the next girl, but she  had wine on her head, which dyed her hair purple.    The 3rd person saw a girl laughing  hysterically, he asked what was so funny.    She said: Daddy farted and the whole house blew up!  27.   Alligator :A man walked into a bar with his alligator  and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"  "Sure do," replied the bartender.  "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."      28..A cat goes to Heaven : A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all  of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'    The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on  hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days  later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate  with the same offer that He made the cat.    The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women  with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.    ' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny     roller skates.  About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,  'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'  The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals  on Wheels you've been sending over are the best 29.    Marriage Wisdom "Will you marry me?  Do you have any money?   Answer the second question first." "Marriage is a wonderful institution...  but who wants to live in an institution? "Marriage is the chief cause of divorce." 30.Chinese Proverbs Virginity like bubble, one prick,  all gone. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run  behind car get exhausted. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all  day. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife  upright organ. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going  to Bangkok. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratch ass  should not bite fingernails. Man who eat many prunes get good run for  money. Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. Panties  not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth. War does not  determine who is right, war determine who is left. Wife who put husband  in doghouse soon find him in cat house. Man who fight with wife all day  get no piece at night. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to  fill it. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. Man who  stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change  clothes in basement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch  crabs. Man who fart in church sit in own pew. Crowded elevator  smell different to midget. 31.What Would You Like To  Hear? 3 buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven to  an orientation. St. Peter asks them all, "When you are in your casket and  friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say  about you?" The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that  I  was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second  fellow says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school  teacher which made a huge difference in the lives of our city's  children." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, Hey  Look! HE'S MOVING!!!" 32. How to Truly Impress a  Client (Contributed  by :- REET GREWAL) I was in the airport VIP lounge en  route to Seattle a couple of weeks> ago.  While in there, I noticed Bill  Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting  a very important client who was also flying to Seattle,  but she was running  a little bit late. Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I  approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I  wonder if you would do me a favor." "Yes?" "I'm sitting right  over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very  important client. Would you be so kind when she  arrives as to come walk by  and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?" "Sure." I shook his hand and thanked  him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed  up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of  minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates. "Hi, Ray,"  he said. I replied, "Fuck off, Gates, I'm in a meeting." 33.  *********************************************** INTERESTING DEFINITIONS *********************************************** Contributed by ALAMDEEP SINGH Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and later kills you with his bills. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions. Rumour : News that travels more than the speed of sound. Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read. Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelors degree and woman gains her masters. Father : A banker provided by nature. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Etc : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually, sit to decide that nothing can be done together. IT Professional : One who is paid for sending and receiving such Emails! Like this page? 34. Family Definitions AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.  DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert  FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.  FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.  FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him/her.  GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.  HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.  IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.  INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.  OW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.  PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.  PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.  SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.  STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.  TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.  TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.  VERBAL: able to whine in words  WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house...   35.Aviation Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory. If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money. Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous. It's better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky. It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first! Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again. The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival. Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi. Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day. A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them. Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down? Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened. Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment. Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain. Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline. Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind. A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse. It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune. A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman. A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle. Remember, you're always a student in an airplane. Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed. Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs. You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots! Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have. Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is. Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips. Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw! 35. Your Friend the Computer You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when.... 1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed. 2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free internet access. 4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems. 5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail. 6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com 7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer. 8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed. 9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask. 10. You move into a new house and you decide to "Netscape" before you landscape. 11. Your family always knows where you are. 12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL". 13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!   36.Heart Attack A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "I didn't recognize you." 37.Wedding Cake A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake?" 38. Husband & Wife (27th May) (Contributed by ALAMDEEP SINGH) A man wants to have a WIFE because she can make his life: W : WONDERFUL I : INTERESTING F : FASCINATING E : EXTRAORDINARY But a woman will have to be careful in finding a HUSBAND because he might be: H : HOPELESS U : UNACCOUNTABLE S : SENSELESS B : BORING A : AUTHORITATIVE N : NUISANCE D : DISCRIMINATIVE Why does a man wants to have a WIFE? Because he wants: W : Washing I : Ironing F : Food E : Entertainment Why does a woman wants to have a HUSBAND? Because she wants: H : Housing U : Understanding S : Sharing B : Buying A : and N : Never D : Demanding When a woman is 18, she is a football. 20 men (+ reserve) going after her. When she is 28, she is a hockey ball. 8 men after her. When she is 38, she is a golf ball. One man hitting her. When she is 48, she is a pingpong ball, two men pushing her to each other. What's the difference between women at ages of 8, 18,28,38 and 48??? 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed 39. Wacky Marriage Quotes Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. One woman's hobby is another woman's hubby. Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Marriage is a 3-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent. I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. 40.     Future Movies in IT world                     * Mera hardisk tumhare paas hai                 * Aao chat kare                 * Programmer no 1                 * Aaj ka body shopper                 * Programmer,recruiter aur bodyshoper                 * Badalate platforms                 * Kahani Keyboard ki                 * Memory aur hard disk                 * H1 ko aane do                 * Mouse ka gulam                 * Java wale job le jayenge                 * Skill apana apana                 * Hum aapke meomory mein rahate hain                 * Do pocessor barah terminal                 * Password Apana Apana                 * Hum Hai Programmer Oracle ke                 * Ek programmer do body shopper                 * H1 se Citizenship tak                 * Mera code chal gaya                 * Har Din jo mail Karega                 * Mera Resume Kora kagaj                 * Khel Virus ka                 * Virus Aur Antivirus                 * Programmer bane Bodyshopper                 * Network Ke Ush Paar                 * Billing aur Salary                 * Platform platform ki baat hai                 * Anjaana Bug                 * Aayi Production Ki Bela                 * Do Gateways                 * Debugging koi Khel nahi                 * Helpdesk ki Aatma (Ramasay bandhu ki Horror film)                 * Mera naam developer                 * Kaho na Bench hai                 * Crash kar di aaapne                 * Mein backup lunga                 * Pati patni aur computer                 * Deployment ki raat                 * Hum WALK-IN ja chuke sanam                 * Dhai akshar HRD ke                 * Jis Desh mein Bill(gates) rahata Hain                 * Hum To US jaayega                 * Aa ab KUCH KAAM kare                 * Raju ban gaya IT MAN..!                 * Dekhte Dekhte Connection mil Gaya                 * Ish Bench ki subah kab hogi                 * Client ek numbari PROGRAMMER Dus Nambari                 * Tere Cube Ke saamne                 * Login karo sajana                 * Sapane Stock Option Ke                 * Ek Thi vacancy                 * Client ko milane de                 * Interview ke Sapane                 * Naukar PC ka                 * Email dena sanam                 * Mera Resume Mera Skill                 * Hackers ke Site par Hacker                 * Experience Bina H1                 * Firewall( Diwar)                 * Meri debugging                 * Jis Desh mein Deshi kam karata hain    Author: Unknown Submitted by NEERU CHAUHAN on 12.10.2k1 1.)Psychiatrist:-"Do you have troublr making uo your mind?" 2.)Patient:-Well , Yes and No." Caller:-Doctor ,what can I do, my little boy has swallowed my pen!" 3)Docor use a pencil till i get there". Doctor:"What will happen If I cut yours ears? Patient:"I won't be able to see." Doctor:"How is that possible?" Patient:"Then where will i hook my Spectacles?" 4.)Father:"Thanks you very much doctor for saving my son's life." Doctor:"It was God who saved your son". Father:"How ever thanks you again." Doctor:"What about my fees?" Father:"I will Money Order to God".  Author: Unknown Submitted by :-SMILEY on 5.11.2k1 "In the Name Of Love" You held my hand, swept me away, Took me on a journey to a place far away. You look into my eyes, you looked into my heart, Walked into my soul, finding the perfet place to start. You brought the sun out, when the moon was high above, Did everything you knew, in the name of love. You lit up a fire deep in my thoughts, You planted a seed without soil in my heart. You caused a rose to grow, With thorns white as snow. You gave me the most perfect gift you knew, Just by saying "I love you."    Author: Unknown Submitted by :-SMILEY on 5.11.2k1       Main aur meri tanhayi                 Main aur meri tanhayi aksar ye bate karte hai ke US mein hota to aisa hota, aur India mein hota to waisa hota main Client-Server pe hota, aur tum IBM pe hoti mere 'Forms' pe tum hasti aur, mere 'reports' pe hairan hoti tumhare 'session' pe main hasta aur 'speed' pe ro deta phir dono Viceroy mein jate aur GOTU khate... ( GOTU : Ghee Onion Tomatto Uttapam) magar aj ye alam hai. ke na Project hai aur na hi PC hai, magar ye dil hai ki kah raha hai ke 'Future' yahi hai yahi kahi hai..... Main aur meri tanhayi ...... aksar ye bate karte hai  Author: Unknown Submitted by :-ALAMDEEP SINGH on 5.11.2k1 My Heart's Golden Promise   Darling As we, hand in hand, disembark together on love▓s journey... Rest assured, my love...that you won▓t walk alone on strange, distant shores.. Or be a stranger in a strange country.. We will set sail together... As we venture unto this new frontier. The journey will be long and endless And there may be gales, turbulence and a few delays But, my love, our love is boundless And I am sure you will rave about it for the rest of your days... Oh, come with me and put away your fears! Let our hearts soar high and dare to dream. Let passion reduce logic to tears! For life is but a breath, it seems, And eternity a helium-filled balloon Taking us beyond the moon! Rend your heart to me, my dear! And I will give you all Take my hand and have no fear.. I won▓t ever let you fall... I will sail with you upon love▓s journey.. And share everything there is, And give you my heart▓s golden key And grace your countenance with.. Love▓s most sweetest kiss. I will walk with you a thousand miles And share with you all my joys and woes. We will go through sunshine and gales But through it all our love will grow. And in the end we shall sit and reminisce Hand in hand in matching rocking chairs And glance upon our ventures.. With joy and glee and happiness And in my heart I shall be happy.. Knowing that I was always there by your side As your loving companion and guide... Holding your hand through the turbulence.. Keeping forever my Heart▓s Golden Promise..  Author: Unknown Submitted by :-ALAMDEEP SINGH on 5.11.2k1   Our friendship is guiding our way   You will always be in my heart Let it be together or apart We can find our way Forever in a day But what would please me the most Is to just hold you close As we sit side by side And talk about old times I wish for the day For you to come my way As I look in your eyes I can see your cries I can feel your hurt I feel your pain What could have been is in the past What can be is in our forecast Brighter days, Happier times I can see this is yours and mine We might not see it now But our hearts will show us how Finding you again Has helped me mend A heart that was broken And now it has spoken For I long for your touch I can say so much You are there I am here It seems unfair But one thing I can say Is our friendship is guiding our way